Bits o’ Wisdom by Birthing People & Partners
Journal. Chat on the phone. Text. FaceTime. Voxer. WhatsApp. Meal Train. Voice Memo. Talk it out. Talk to yourself. There is so much to think about during pregnancy, labor, birth, & beyond. How do we take the swirly, scribbly thoughts and unravel them to make sense of even just some of it. How do we make space for learning? For growing into the latest version of ourselves? For reflecting on the decisions- the giant and the tiny? Who are you now? Who were you pre-baby??
The value of reflection in the perinatal experience is beyond important, and I find that most clients discover that their greatest teacher is their own body, brain, and heart. Maybe you’ll find this to be true for you, too. In birth story processing, or in postpartum doula visits, I often hear the phrase “I wish I would have known…”. If we just stop here, we’ll get stuck on rinse & repeat. It can lead to a self-pitying, ‘whoa is me’ account. The agency and the power are in the “Okay, this is a thing that happened, so what next? What now?”
Having a structure for reflective thinking might aid in a healthier approach to processing what comes up for you during your perinatal journey.
In my teaching days, my ‘go-to’ reflective questions were:
What went well?
What didn’t go as well?
What will I do differently next time?
How about that first question? It’s an affirmation in itself. Acknowledging what success occurred is a positive place to start. It’s self-love. Always ask this question first.
The dose of real and raw may come with the second question, but that’s where the juicy thoughts arise. The meat of reflection is in this question! Be gentle. Be tender. Navigate through the icky that probably comes up when you answer this. Ego aside. Where’s the friction? Where do you feel stuck? Notice. Work on acceptance. AND...Seek therapy when needed. (There are so many different types of therapy that benefit prenatal and postpartum folks...more on this in a future blog post. In the meantime, check out CBT, EMDR, or Parts-therapy.)
Some words of wisdom come to mind from my HypnoBirthing instructor, Cynthia Overgard (Owner of Hypnobirthing CT, childbirth advocate, postpartum care specialist, host and Executive Producer of the Down to Birth podcast). Cynthia told us, “No matter what kind of birth you have, and no matter how well it goes, we have a way of scanning our brains for what we wish we might have done differently.” It’s true. I remember a moment, when pushing, where I had a really intense voice-from-within moment. My body was telling me to “move back to the bathroom and use the squat bar for the final pushes”. I didn’t do it. I now wonder if the pushing would have been quicker...or...if the postpartum healing would have been different...smoother. Maybe? Just maybe...But I keep returning to that sticky moment despite my positive birthing experience. So what will I do differently next time? If my body tells me to do something, I’m going to surrender to that call and just DO IT. I’m so excited to support birthing people in moments like this. What is your body telling you? ...in this moment...right now? And in the processing of the birth...What do you hope for next time? Be gentle with yourself.
I had some lovely birthing people reach out to me in response to my social media inquiry...What do you wish you would have known about labor, birth, and postpartum?...and I really feel like these thoughts are so valuable to share with any reader. I find that most lessons we take away from labor & birth can also be seen in our daily life, and what we wish we would have known can turn into a fresh new way to dance to the rhythm of life. Something to think about. (Not that you needed more in your awesomely busy brain!)
LABOR ANTICIPATION:
“It’s not always as bad as everyone talks about! I was prepared for horrible pain and a traumatic experience. I did end up having an epidural, and I enjoyed my birthing experience. I felt super connected to my body and my husband and my daughter and I look back on that weekend with true fondness.”
There is so much awesomeness here. It is all too easy to eventize labor & birth...think of how it’s presented to us in film and television! I love that this person felt connected to their body and their partner and maybe didn’t anticipate feeling this positively about it all. How much of our anticipation leading up to labor is benefiting our bodies, our baby, and our partner? How much prep is too much? How do we avoid rehearsing for tragedy- especially when society tells us this will most likely be a traumatic event?
My gorgeously spiritual massage therapist sent me a song to listen to that she knew would help me envision meeting my baby. Waterworks ensued. Alex snapped this shot of the teary-eyed moment. It was a moment of release from the time and energy I spent negating the tragedy-rehearsing.
PARENTING THE PARENT:
“There needs to be more of a focus on the mother postpartum- I ended up with an emergency C-section - I was induced and then they discovered I had something called HELLP syndrome (a potentially life-threatening variant of preeclampsia), very scary and not ideal- I feel like you spend sooo much time preparing for the baby and labor but forget to prepare for what happens to you after giving birth- the body changes- the hormones... I mean I just feel like I wasn’t prepared in a lot of ways, and I also think the mother gets sort of pushed to the side in terms of postpartum care. All the focus is on the baby …”
When I received this message, I wanted to turn back time, rush over, hold space for their birth story, and provide postpartum doula care, stat. I’d provide listening, water, snacks, meals, newborn care, any additional support needed. This birthing parent is resilient to say the least. What an experience, and what a valid reflection to share. I particularly dig the word “NEEDS” in the first sentence. There absolutely NEEDS to be more focus and attention and healing pointing in the direction of the new parents. Everyone wants to hold the baby and feed the baby. What about the parents? Who will hold them? Who will feed them? There is so much cultural narrative that reinforces the importance of attention to the baby- gender reveals, baby showers...There doesn’t seem to be a postpartum healing section in any stores, but there are onesies and stuffed animals for babies galore. It makes sense to some extent. People want to meet the baby! But who really needs to be held...it is really the birthing person that needs the most care and attention.
This might inspire some different ways to approach providing care to your loved ones the next time they have a little one or for yourselves as you prepare to welcome new life. Maybe a blessing ceremony for the birthing parents, setting up a meal train, asking yourself who your village will be in the immediate postpartum days, what boundaries will need to be set...Hey! Maybe even consider putting a list of to-do’s on the fridge that your potential visitors could help you out with (dishes, laundry, meal and snack prep!). You just welcomed a new human into the world...or witnessed it! Ask for whatever the heck you want!
NEWBORN CARE:
“I wish I would have known...that newborns are so much harder than I thought they'd be. Sure they're cute and all, but as the first person in my group of friends and generation of family to have a baby, I felt like no one prepared me for the fact that it would be so thankless at first. It wasn't until my first was a few months old and started to interact with me in different ways (smiles, etc) that I was like, damn! I didn't realize how one-directional this has felt. It felt like he was either crying, nursing or sleeping most of the time in those first few weeks and I didn't even realize until it was over how hard and exhausting that was (both physically and emotionally).”
Truth. Truth and more truth. Read it again if you need to! My postpartum doula told us to compartmentalize the first six weeks. “The first six weeks WILL be the hardest, and it will be hard after that.” “And,” she tacked on with encouragement, “you can do it.” Exhaustion lives in your body. Yoga and meditation. Walks and stretches. Heck, a cry or two in the shower or on the phone with a friend can be quite cathartic, too. Relentless. Thankless. A lack of autonomy unlike any other job or task you’ve ever done! But, dang, isn’t life beautiful?! You are raising a human. They can feel your love. Provide a steady love. Check yourself when you haven’t done this for yourself and make some moves. My massage therapist often encourages this self-reflective phrasing, “What would it take for me to be willing to…”, and then insert what the hell it’s going to take to get it together and exist. I use this in the lowest moments and it works like a gorgeous new parent hack.
In this moment, it took me sending this breastfeeding selfie to my best friend who I knew would be super proud of me and encourage me to keep going. Also, water. It took lots and lots of water.
THE PARTNER:
Everything that causes friction in your partnership before labor & birth will be highlighted beyond belief in those early postpartum days. The ego will find its way into your sleep deprived brains and out into the realm of ‘holy shit that was a miscommunication’. It will. Be ready for it. Be ready for confusing conversations. Be ready to not recognize your partner or yourself in moments that you didn’t see coming. If you haven’t processed your own shit, here’s where it will come up...again and again. Even if you have, it will be there. But you know what...partnership is resilient if you notice and navigate. Deep breaths. Space. Naming cycles and patterns as they are happening and before they truly escalate. That’s where the gold is. Sleep deprivation makes everything harder. It’s like jet lag but without the travel and with no end in sight. No way to sugarcoat it. The baby toes and sounds and warmth and smells definitely make up for it. Take as many pictures as you can. You’ll look back at them when your little one is asleep.
In the words of a birthing partner...
“Those first six weeks...they go by quickly...it’s hard but worth every moment...and simple gestures mean a lot. Just try. You don’t have to be perfect. You won’t live up to the birthing person’s power (if that’s who your partner is). You just won’t. Tell your ego to sit this one out, and witness the power of a birthing person.”
Alex (my partner)- sleeping on a cot in the living room with me and Ferris. The bedroom was too far away from the bathroom, and the post labor adrenaline had crashed at this point.
I wish I would have known...the level of compassion required to give myself in those early postpartum days and beyond.
I wish I would have known...my heart would stretch to its edges and leak intrusive thoughts at odd hours.
I wish I would have known...it will take a village. Accept all the help.
I wish I would have known...that this shit is hard AND possible.
I wish I would have known...that birthing people are as powerful as a natural disaster and more beautiful, sacred, and miraculous than anything else in the universe.
And now I know...that every person driving down the highway, walking through the grocery store, gardening in their yard, or learning in a tiny school desk, or saying something mean, or discovering butterflies, or feeling insecure, or picking up litter, or just straight up existing...is a miracle.
Being a human is hard. Bringing a human into the world is harder. What will you do differently today? What bits of wisdom will you whisper to yourself in the throws of the next contraction? or in the middle of that last, dreaded Zoom call of the day? or in response to a friend with a heavy heart? How did you navigate through the hardest thing you’ve ever done? Be gentle with yourself. You already know so much. You have everything you need within you.
