On Turning Three…
These are photos from about 3 hours after Ferris arrived earthside at Seven Sisters Midwifery & Community Birth Center.
We were home by noon where we began to find our new footing.
Our little one turns 3 today.
My motherhood journey turns 3 today.
Our little family unit of 3 turns 3 today.
More than any other birthday so far, THIS FEELS LIKE A LOT!
Three is a wildly significant number to me- for so many reasons.
In my Montessori training, there was a lot of focus on “the first three years”...
Unfortunately, one of my biggest takeaways from that learning - before I became a parent - was that I really needed to get these first three years ‘right’.
It is true that from birth to three years, the greatest development occurs within a kid’s brain, and at one point in time, I marched around with the beat of this pressure-filled drum in my mom-mind.
But now…today…I’m mostly just proud of how we spent it all- ALL of these past three years.
Three. It’s symbolic in too many ways to count!
Mind, body, spirit.
Jen, Alex, Ferris.
Self, Partner, Kiddo.
Our 3 ‘weddings’: elopement, wedding day, vow renewal.
3 calm breaths through each contraction.
3 giant breaths through each contraction while pushing.
3 whole years of a really righteous dude!!!
But before I share a bit more on turning 3, here's
a funny reminder I received from the Universe this week…
I promise it’s going somewhere:
There was something off about the olive green one. I ran into the kitchen to do a little fashion show of options, and with this one, I could tell my husband didn’t like it, “It’s…nice” (insert facial expression that he tried to hide but was very obvious to me that he didn’t like it). And trust me, if he didn’t like it and I did, I would wear the heck out of it still. BUT I felt that way, too. There was something off about this dress, and I had about 24 hours to figure out what I was going to wear as a guest to an upcoming wedding.
I took it off and got back in my pjs and said, “I don’t think either of us like that dress because something is off with it. I can’t put my finger on it. Like the way I feel in it is so off. It reminds me of something.”
We thought about it for a little while then just let it be…
A few hours later after putting our little guy to bed, it dawned on me.
That dress was totally “old me”...like “pre-birth me”. And that was that.
Maybe because of my astrological sign, my extremely sappy nature, or intuitively witchy self…
But I tend to think everything is a metaphor or symbolic in some way- and, perhaps when you are so closely intertwined with the veil between life and grief when you work in the world of all things birth, everything is a metaphor whether I like it or not!
A funny reminder from the universe-
In the form of a dress
That I’ve changed a lot.
I’ve grown a new skin
From the moment I birthed this special being.
I didn’t know the depth of me before and
I continue to know it more so with each passing year of parenting.
Three whole years of continued evolution
And a dress that was aptly defined by a silky past self.
I love the old her, too, but I’m glowing now from the inside out
With a flowy, rainbow speckled dress that keeps
Shimmering new shades as I dance.
3 things I’d do differently:
1) Not give as much of a $h*t about judgment from others…
There were and still are moments in which I feel judged for parenting choices: breastfeeding a toddler, how we let him be naked and barefoot a lot, how we’re choosing to speak to him, choosing NOT to sleep train at all, blah blah blah. Look at that! 3 Blahs! I honestly love how we did all of it.
2) Celebrate myself more (self, partner, marriage, family)...
I think there’s an unfortunate pride in hustle parenting…showing all the things you do with your kids, and all the cutesy, creative junk that takes a ton of time to set up and mere seconds of actual play & engagement result…when really the most meaningful moments of parenting are often:
-spontaneous
-NOT shared with others on social media
-and require more of a leaning in to your kids’ flow
I remember one week during which Ferris was SO into pouring water from cups into other bowls into other receptacles. It was a giant mess that required way more cleanup than I had the energy for, and he was the most focused, in-flow I’ve ever seen. It was totally rad. I invited him to help me do the dishes. He picked out some receptacles and went to town. He set it up himself. He played to the tune of his own intrigue.
It’s these moments that I tear up- truly. Witnessing a forming of a sense of self entirely beyond my control. How glorious is that. In these moments, I think, “Dang…It’s happening. He is becoming more himself. I need to get out of the way. Something great is happening!” BUT…it took me years to start crediting myself for the moments when things were in flow- when the dreams of how I wanted to/ envisioned parenting were actually happening. Looking back, I would invite more awareness of this…I would celebrate myself more.
I would celebrate myself and my partner more, too.
Sustaining a healthy relationship in a marriage while co-parenting is flippin’ hard. If anyone has told you otherwise, they’re probably really insecure about their own sh*t that they’re choosing not to tend to. If I could return time, I would spend more moments acknowledging the connection, love, trust, confidence, growth, hard and consistent work in therapy, and extreme life shifts we made as we transitioned from two humans to three.
It is really beautiful to think about how far we’ve come as a partnership and a family, and I’m glad we’ve found such intimately close friends who share their own triumphs and lows- who connect with us in earnest and honest about the challenging, often messy, yet incredibly fulfilling lifestyle that is parenting.
3) More trust in myself and the kid…
My gut is remarkably informative to my anxious mind.
I think the more you pay attention to your breath, the stronger this communication between the two becomes.
I wish I had listened to it more, BUT at the same time I think every little pink flag or red flag that presented itself ended up being a very valuable lesson on this parenting path.
The clarity of communication between my intuition and my “overly thinky” mind is sharpening.
I have listened, but I can it hear more deeply now
And the language is sharpening in a beautiful way.
3 things I’m most proud of (in the form of affirmations)...
*because these are a major work in progress*
1) Trust
On this parenting journey, I trust myself.
I trust my partner. I trust my kid.
I trust the community we are continuing to build.
I surrender to what still needs to be learned.
2) Presence
I am here.
I am grounded.
I see life happening before my eyes.
I am present to the unfolding nature of this being
as he becomes more himself each day of each season.
I choose to be here.
3) Evolution
I have changed.
I am changing.
I deserve to be seen as my current version of Self.
I am a witness to change.
All is changing.
I am grateful for unpredictable and anticipated, important changes which tie me to the cyclical nature of all living things.
It’s truly taken these past three years to redefine our new equilibrium:
-what it means to take care of myself
-what it means to be partners
-what it means to parent ourselves and our kid at the same time
-what it means to enjoy our professions while leaning into the quieter moments of just being together as a family
-what it means to break and build
-what is means to feel scribbly chaos and to sooner or later find steady footing again
-what it means to feel confused about all the things this child is presenting to us but knowing deep down that it’s all fleeting:
the quite wild mystifying screaming in the middle of the night
and the beauty of his dance
and the way he looks at trees
and the miracle blue of his eyes
as he says, “Wow! Did you see that?”
and the fear of protecting him
and the joy of letting him lead
and the laughter of songs in his little throat
and the climbing surrender of asking with curiosity,
“Hmm…where will you put your foot next, Ferris?”
and the ever-awakening to the world around him and within him
and the unraveling of what he’ll remember about this life
and the hilarity of it all when the parents are too tired at the end of the day to hold hands
but they do anyways
and the intensity of it all
and the swiftness of it all
and everything I haven’t learned yet from tomorrow morning with a three year old
I can confidently say I felt my feet on the ground for most of it,
and I'm so excited for what's to come for our little family of three.
