Parenting Bingo (Years 0-2 Edition)
Do not try to satisfy your vanity
by teaching a great many things.
Awaken people's curiosity.
It is enough to open minds;
do not overload them.
Put there just a spark.
If there is some good inflammable stuff,
it will catch fire."
Anatole France
This quote flashed across my dumb phone screen in my middle-of-the-night, waste-of-time scroll session. But, dang it’s so good! I feel this way about teaching…but more importantly about parenting. I'd like to think I'm leaving little sparks around for my little one to notice and say ‘ah’ and start some real wildly, creative fires. Although, our home is now pretty toddler-proofed, and I'm unsure how to protect him against metaphorical, fiery ideas and creations 😅🤙🏼🔥
Anywho, hoping this little reflection sparks some greater flames for my parent friends- especially for any families who are expecting/ who happen to read to the end.
This little card, given to us by a dear friend at our baby shower, has provided some hilarious entertainment over the past few years. There are a few more I’d definitely check off lately, including “Grocery Store Meltdown”, “Forgot to Take Pictures at Party”, and “Have Not Finished a Coffee in 3 Months”.
Some of my faves that we’ve already checked off:
“Free Space (Haha No)
“A Thousand Ineffable Moments of Small & Perfect Wonder”
“Threw out 96% of Dinner”
“Ate Kid’s Leftover's On Plate Over Sink”
“Thrown Up On”
“Boob Leak”
“World’s Sharpest Fingernails”
What is parenting if we can’t just laugh hilariously at it from time to time.
On a more serious & exciting note, we recently enrolled our little one in an early preschool program, and the teacher asked us to fill out quite a few paperwork-y questions- to be expected. This enrollment form also included a pretty loaded question…What is your parenting style?
There were two lines on which to respond. My first thought was, “Oh, that’s loaded.” and my second… “I really want to get this question right!” Sort of like a how-do-I-win vibe…bleh. Like, how do I ACTUALLY win Parenting BINGO. I don’t love that this thought came up for me, either. I remember saying to my Dad in week 2 of parenting Ferris (while crying), “I just want to do a good job.” Eek! Lots to unpack here.
It’s a privilege to even think about this enrollment form question reflectively. I’m co-parenting, I only have one living child, we are both white cisgender, we have a home and a dual income…other than the fact that I’m a woman, we are not in any sort of marginalized community as parents. I know that some folks might just answer this question very literally with the word survival. I try not to use that word facetiously when thinking about how I’m doing with parenting on a day-to-day basis, but I admit I've used it to describe to friends when I feel like I'm drowning.
Maybe, what I really mean by that, is…hey this is hard, and I feel like I'm messing up. Are you feeling that, too? Okay, cool. Glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks this whole parenting thing is pretty flippin’ crazy when you really think about all of it- like responsible for keeping someone alive AND ensuring that they are good humans?! Okay, sweet! Sign me up.
Wait?! This is a lot!
Most days, I feel pretty solid about the role of being a parent, but some days I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.
On those days, I turn to my partner. We often come back to this:
-We’re going to mess up.
-We’re going to get some of it right.
-He’ll probably still talk about our flaws in therapy some day.
-We provide love without conditions.
-We do not rely on him to make us happy.
-We are taking the best care of ourselves that we possibly can - including regular therapy (which we believe is honestly good for everyone) so hopefully fewer people have to navigate our projected feelings and unresolved ish.
It's always a work in progress. My relationship to parenting feels like a relationship with another human entirely. It's something I've wanted for as far back as I can remember. Some days I soak in every little hug and sticky hand and tantrum and playful moment and look of love and look of mischief and slobbery toddler smooch. Other days, I chug a large iced coffee, step outside, and take some breaths and bow my head in something that looks like gratitude but is really just exhaustion… and with the dip of my head I suddenly realize I've had Play-Doh in my extremely messy mom bun all morning. Cute.
So hey, I work with parents. Parents are my students. Parents are my teachers. I'm a parent. I'm surrounded by folks on this wild parenting journey. I don't claim to know exactly how to do this, but I'm definitely right alongside you in the messy and the beautiful. I love to ask the questions that get new and seasoned parents to think about what the heck feels right for them.
What would happen if we expand our definition of parenting to parenting our children AND parenting ourselves?
What does pregnancy look like when we make time to think about parenting: our values, our worries, our questions, our curiosities? This sh*t is especially hard because American consumer culture tells us to buy all the sh*t and have a baby shower and then blindly follow the providers who make money off of labor and birth. I’ll save this for another blog
What does labor and birth look like when we consider any decision-making as a conscious parenting move?
What does early postpartum look like when we build a team of support around us as though we are the newly born…because we ARE as well?
If you're expecting, try this exercise…
Imagine your child is out on a date in their 20's, they're really into this person (like dreaming the dreams of life partnership if that’s their thing) and they start talking about life more deeply. The other person on this date says to this older version of your child, “So, what was your childhood like? Tell me more about it.” or “How would you describe the way you were parented?”
I imagine on this date, the older version of our kiddo might say something like, "My parents were really weird and funny and loved me so intensely…and they really tried to love themselves- that was pretty cool." (or maybe I’m totally off…but a mom can dream, right?!)
When my partner and I finally answered the preschool enrollment form question, I remembered this little exercise…
We decided these were the words that felt most aligned with what the heck were trying to do:
Conscious
Gentle
Boundary-setting
Self-love
Nature
Discovery
Appropriate Risks
Space for all feelings but not all behaviors
Modeling what it looks like to feel passionate work/ service to others
If these seem rad to you, here are some books we’re into that have helped shape the daily and the big picture:
Alongside some valuable texts and late-night chats with my partner, we try to seek wisdom from those whose parenting styles and values align with my own:
1.) From our incredibly cosmic, massage therapist: She reminded us in the beginning days to ask ourselves this question when we were feeling like we didn’t have what it takes to parent a tiny being…
“What is it going to take, in order for me to (get to 8pm/ navigate bed time/ parent consciously today/ insert whatever next few hours here)?”
Sometimes the answer is food, sleep, water…basic human needs. Sometimes it’s more complicated. We lean into that if we need to…
2.) From my therapist:
“Don’t take the bait…”
Whether it's from a fellow mom judging you on social media or maybe your phone overheard you talking about the little sleep you're getting and now sleep training folks are trying to sell you sh*t…or maybe your own inner narrative is telling you that you do NOT have your sh*t together…or maybe a grandparent, or two are telling you to they don’t like the way you’re doing things…Don't take the bait.
3.) From Sesame Street…yep, you heard that right.
“I wonder…What if…Let’s try!”
We solve our problems like this. We try to respond to frustrations like this. It helps us to approach parenting with curiosity. It works, and…
If you wanna go deeper than what Big Bird suggests…
What words are leading your parenting journey?
What strategies feel centering or grounding to you at this point in your parenting journey?
Here are some questions I ask birth doula clients when we meet prenatally to prepare for what comes after baby arrives…
Postpartum Familial Transitions
How many relationship dynamics are you currently holding space for/ what new relationships do you need to make room for?
What transitions do you anticipate?
What are you looking forward to?
What are some anticipated challenges?
What are some ways in which you healthily parent yourself?
Would you like to do some brainstorming around self-care strategies?
It took me a while to post this…it's been marinating for a while. The inner chatter sounded something like…who am I to guide people in their parenting journey? I'm barely two years in…what can people learn from reading this? Is any of this really worth sharing?
Well, I'm putting it out here
To awaken people's curiosity
To not overload
To open minds
To leave just a spark…
I’d like to think I’ve got a lot of fellow new-ish parents in this Parenting Bingo club, and wherever we are, we’re all just doing our best hoping that nothing catches on fire, hoping that we leave little sparks for our children to set flame to their greatest passions, their cosmic tasks, hoping that you have someone or a place to think about all the things that feel worth thinking about, and if not…I’m just an email and a coffee meetup away. I promise we’ll get through the whole coffee and we won’t leave it sitting in the microwave because someone was about to eat a whole wad of PlayDoh.
