The First Year: a letter to my rainbow baby

One whole year ago, we met.

A little quote from our birth story:

I don't remember who handed the baby to me (or maybe I just picked him up), but I shifted to my bottom so I could hold him to my chest. This happened both so quickly and in slow motion. At 7:11am, I said in my new mom-voice, "It's a boy! It's Ferris! He's here!" We didn't know the sex of our baby and hadn't really decided on the name, but these words just so smoothly slid out of my mouth. He was SO alert when he arrived. He was already curious, seemed determined, and just had a sweet kindness about him. - You’ve probably already this, but here’s the rest of the story just in case you want to take another trip back to birthing day: https://www.lakelovephoto.com/blog

Every day since you arrived, I’ve tried to truly pause what I’m doing and witness you as often as I can. Maybe it’s the all the Montessori readings I took in while you were in utero. Maybe it’s the extra special love I feel for you since I didn’t get to hold my first baby. Maybe…it’s because you command observation. You are fascinating with every sound and movement. I am in awe of you! In each of these pauses, I took mental note - how you kept becoming more you every day. More curious, more determined, more sweet, and so much more, of course.

Someone recently told me that the best way to have a healthy attachment with your child is to remind yourself that your child is not really yours. They do not belong to you. They are merely visitors on this earth, and you are their witness and guide for some time. When I fear how much I love you, I remember this. What a gift in this life to be your witness! Here are some of my favorite moments of noticing from the last year…

Your curiosity…

You have a way of gently touching the end of your fingertips to the tassels of your favorite fuzzy blanket.

You have an incredible intrigue with the taste of all things that aren’t food.
You are such a voracious ‘reader’. By the end of the day, every single room in our home is scattered with opened books. Board books, my books, dada’s books, all the books. And you genuinely flip through the pages, quietly taking it all in.
You have a special way of flopping your body around in the morning as if to wake up every corner of every muscle. You playfully jostle me and dada awake for the day. A smile, a tug of the hair, or literally taking your fingers to my eye lid to help me greet the day.
One of my favorite things you do is hold your hand up when you feel the breeze go by. You try to catch it in your hand, and if it’s a little colder than you thought, your whole body will shudder. Then, you smile.
And you always want to say good morning to the leaves on the maple tree in the front yard. There’s a specific branch you reach for first.
You two-handed wave at any passerby in the grocery store - and for some reason we always find out more than we want to know about each person we meet. I think your eyes are invitational to everyone you come across as if to say, “I want to know more. I'm curious!”

Your determination…

Whenever you learn a new skill, you're never really performative about it. In fact you tend to practice your new skills when no one is looking. Your smile seems to say, “I'm doing this for me!”

You always return to the magnetic alphabet on the dishwasher to search and quickly find the letter ‘o’ every- single- time. Even if the letter ‘o’ happens to have been strewn across the floor or underneath another cabinet in the kitchen or somehow found its way under the couch in the living room…you always find it!
You are so determined to fit into the smallest of places and spaces and under the lowest of tables or tunnels.
You explore practically every inch of every space you're in. Play gates and pak-n-plays were just not your thing, bubz.
Every slobbery open mouth kiss you can plant on me or Dada's nose and cheeks is made with such intention!
Your determination leads you to take every book off the shelf, but you don’t just walk away from the mess...you get busy with it! Flipping through every book you are surrounded by.

Your sweet nature:

We tried so hard to come up with our own night routine for you, but it turns out you had one thing to add to the list. The way you look at the framed photographs of you and me and you and dada before you settle in for the night, is the stuff of stars.
You are always reaching out to share your food with whoever is gathered at the table with you.
You give the sweetest hugs to all of your baby dolls and stuffed animals. The coolest thing is that we never really taught you how to hug them. It just seemed to be in your heart to figure out that it made you feel good!
You give yourself kisses in any mirror or the reflection on any glass door.
You sweetly tug at my hair while you nurse.
You share your toys. If we are all the way across the room, you march over with two toys- one in each hand- and give one to me and one to dada.
You play hide-and-seek with the littlest pieces of cloth, the shower curtain, my dress, napkins, and laundry.
And, oh my goodness, that smile.